I
tried to overdose on drugs to kill myself.
I want to help others and prevent suicides.
Please
share my post with everyone to help the mentally ill.To help the “drug addict who still suffers in and out of these rooms.”
I have
chosen to show you my love for this artist and this song.
I
WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GLAMORIZING SUICIDE.
I think it sucks that the media EXPLOITS the
mentally ill. When a celebrity commits
suicide, the MEDIA uses suicide as an advertisement to get better ratings and
make a profit.
Our society does not recognize the suffering OF EVERY human being. The person who takes his life is
in so much emotional pain. EVERYONE WILL
FEEL SUICIDAL ONE DAY. BAD BREAKUPS, GETTING FIRED, FINDING YOUR SPOUSE
SLEEPING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. FAMILY AND FRIENDS DYING AT YOUNG
AGES. Let’s all get ready for life.
Now
about myself:
I
am a member of NAMI. I have severe OCD & suicidal ideation. I made a video
to help prevent suicide attempts.
I
just finished the OCD clinic at UCLA.
I
also have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am
creating this blog for people who suffer from mental and physical illnesses.
Bipolar, depression, OCD, Schizophrenia, PTSD, etc. It doesn’t matter what type of mental or
physical illness you suffer from. It can
be cancer or panic attacks.
I also want
to put an end to the stigma of mental illness.
Everyone is welcome to share on this website
and ask for help. Even if you think your “normal”, please read this.
I just want to save at
least one life from suicide. I want humans to ask humans for help. Many doctors
are giving out the wrong drugs to the wrong people. There are only a few
psychiatrists who I can count on. First ,I was diagnosed with Depression after
my parents got divorced. Later, they labeled me as OCD.One day they changed their
mind to bipolar. Next came Borderline Personality Disorder. Who knows what I
am. If I walk into a different MDs office on the same day, I will be labeled 5
different names.
I lost my
best friend Jason when he was 27 to suicide.
After Jason died, I attempted suicide several times.
I have been hospitalized in mental wards several times. I
have been escorted by police in handcuffs to the nearest psych prison. I became more suicidal after a few days. I
would have to fake the MDs that I am happy now in order to get released. I
would find myself on a bunch of the newest trendy drugs.
The same drugs that pharmaceutical reps give MDs for free and donate $100,000
to the nearest MD so they prescribe their beautiful new baby drug.
I am so lucky to have been treated by MDs who were human
because I usually had medical insurance. I feel scared for all the homeless
people who end up like cattle.
My suicide attempts were so deadly. No one understood me. I
hated everyone, even myself.
Why couldn’t they stop being so selfish? They were forcing me
to live for them.
.
When I was attempting suicide, my
friends and family were telling me that things will get better.
I was so
angry. How can they lie to me? I was convinced that things will never get
better. I even wrote a note. I said that I don’t want to hurt my family. I just
saw no other way out. I want to join my best friend Jason in Heaven where we
can be friends.
Every night
for three years, Jason would visit me in my dreams. We were both on bicycles
flying in the air. The dreams were real. I would ask Jason, “Everyone is saying that you are dead??”
Jason would
always say the same thing. “ That is
bullshit .Tell everyone that I am alive.”
Today, I have so much gratitude
that I am alive. I am also sober and I go to a 12 step meeting where I can
share my emotions. I need to keep my
meeting anonymous because there is a huge
stigma for going to a meeting and reaching out. “ You’re just a drug addict.
You’ll be sober for a few days only. Pretty soon you will be asking me for money to get high.”
When I was suicidal, I had a sober
friend who would ask me to go to a meeting. I would tell him No every time.
That shit doesn’t work .
Then one day, I found out that my mom
was going to die from cancer soon. It was my friend who took me back to my
first meeting after 15 years. I wanted to kill myself because of losing my
marriage and the only person who I loved.
It was my meeting that kept me alive. I never
wanted to hurt my family , friends, pets or doctors. I just wanted to put an end to my
suffering.
I
need to thank my cat and dog. They kept me alive. At least they loved me
no matter what . After I survived my suicide, I visited my friendly
neighborhood shrink. He looked at me after I told him about my suicide attempt.
I never saw anyone look so angry. He looked me straight in the eye. “Are you a
cruel person?”
I replied “ I don’t know. What are
you talking about? And I am not a cruel person.!Everyone says I am the nicest
guy. People love me.”
“ Who do you want to punish? Your
family? Ex- girl friend?!!”
I thought to myself. Who is this asshole?I don’t think this
rich therapist ever had to deal with the shit I had to suffer. This prick has
spent his life in Beverly Hills.He has never walked in my shoes.
After I left his office, I kept wondering if I was actually a
cruel person. My friends told me that I was the nicest guy. I still wondered
until I saw my new doctor who I love.
She told me that I would be destroying my family and friends.
They would be devasted. You need to hold
on. You need to have hope. I promise that “this too shall pass.” Parents aren’t
supposed to be burying their kids.
Now back to my best friend Jason. He used a belt and a chair to kill himself. PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS.I was stupid
enough to try this and the pain was so severe that I had to give up. I even
drank as much alcohol and used as many drugs that I could hoard. I even
listened to my favorite metal drug band . I heard my favorite ballad. I listened to my favorite classic rock band play
their most depressing song.
Then I
would have to put on my favorite punk band play its only ballad. Then came the
best 70’s classic rock band.
There is not a day that goes by without the sadness of Jason's death. I am still devasted. I feel guilty that I survived. What
makes me so special. Did Jason stop his
pain.?Jason was raised by a mother who would never let him out of his house. He
had no freedom. I was 6 years old when I
saw Jason. He was half Hispanic, half Japanese. He never felt like he fit in
anywhere.
I punched him in the eye. My mom and dad had just gotten
divorced. I needed to release my anger. The next day, we became best friends.
Jason’s mom loved my mom. He was only allowed to hang out with me. He turned to
drugs when he was 13.I felt like I had already lost my best friend.
In 2016, my mom suffered the most painful death from breast
cancer. This was the most traumatic event of my life. God does our medical system suck. They would kick
her out of the hospital every few days. They told us that hospice was the best
way to go. God were they wrong.
I wanted mom to stop suffering. I told the nurse “ I thought
that assisted suicide became legal in California?”
“ We don’t do that. We wait for God!”
What kind of fucked up God was this. Mom never believed in
God. Her parents were in the Holocaust. How could God allow that shit.How about
the millions of kids getting raped? Or starving to death?”
People always told me that I was the nicest guy. Behind my
back they would tell each other that I was crazy but nice.
. The truth is that we are all crazy. Some of us hide it
better. I always felt that no one could ever understand me. How could the rich
kids feel what I feel.
On the other hand, we need to forgive our parents. MOST
IMPORTANTLY, WE NEED TO FORGIVE OURSELVES.
Let's help each other.
We need to unite and be proud that we
are special.
My
only salvation was writing poetry. The poems then became lyrics. Then I joined
a rock band. I love playing guitar. Now I am part of a rock band called
Borderline Personality.
We
wrote an album called “My Best Friend’s Suicide.” I hated the title.How can we glamorize
suicide? I don’t want the next teenager killing himself while listening to this
album. PLEASE don’t .
On the other hand, our media is
evil. If we don’t put suicide in the title, people will call us an overnight
pop sensation. Teeny bopper music for 13 year old girl.
I
never wanted to sell out. I had to sell out so I can save lives. This album has
some disco in it. Don’t worry, 90% of the album is real shit.
Our next album is going to be the
death punk metal.
Our
album is dedicated to my mom who just passed away from cancer and to my best
friend Jason who killed himself.
Before I get old and die in a nursing home, I need
to know that I gave kids something to help them. This album goes out to the
kids who are bullied and have no friends. I need to thank Durga Mc Broom ( of
Pink Floyd Fame), Ras Kass ( the best fuckin’ rapper who has real lyrics. He’s talking about discrimination . He is not
talking about sleeping with girls and taking drugs. Real rap died with the 90s.
He’s also my best friend and a real
human being.), and Derf Scratch of Fear. RIP Derf. I love you.
I also need to thank the best bands ever.
People, you need to start listening to Maynard James Keenan, Tool, APC, Puscifer Don’t forget Rage Against the Machine, Pink
Floyd, Led Zep, Slayer, The Who, KISS.System of a System of a Down. Method Man, Red Man, Erick Sermon,
Depeche Mode, Lauren Rhodes, Phyliss
Brown, Shayne Holzman, Steve Coonen, Borderline Personality.
Joy Division was the best. Put on
some Rush ( 2112).Jello Biafra, LARD, Keith Murray. Iron Maiden,Black Sabbath,
the Bee Gees, Suicidal
Tendencies,Neil Young, Paul Simon,King Crimson, Roxy Music, David Bowie, DJ Khaled, and Rick Rubin, David Geffen,
Bob Dylan, Johny Cash, Leonard Cohen, Counting Crows, The Germs, Foofighters,
Afghan Whigs, Chili Peppers, Eminem, Linkin Park, Mars Volta.
Most of all, RIP Layne Staley, Kurt
Cobain,Prince, John Bonham, Syd Barret, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and most of all John Lennon..
Yes , our fuckin government killed him.Open
your fuckin’ eyes!
Sorry,
I probably left out the best bands because my memory sucks. You know who you
are.
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