i hope this painting helps those who are suicidal
Moms friend Ziva Reuben made this painting of mom.
I want this on the cover of the book for many reasons
Ziva did not tell me what the painting is about but this painting was mom’s favorite and it is in mom’s living room now. Ziva was one of mom’s closest friends. One day tammy, mom,and I went to Ziva’s garden. Mom was still in remission. I remember how happy mom was and she was wearing her red dress.
I just remember meating Ziva for the first time and seeing how much Tammy and mom loved Ziva. After mom had passed, we were in Shiva. The Rabbi from Darli’s Bat Mitzvah was done praying and he asked us to sit down in a circle in mom’s living room. We were asked to say something that they remembered about mom.
I don’t remember what Ziva said at that time but later I told Ziva about how much pain I was in. This is when Ziva told her heart was also broken.Ziva told me that mom would come to the garden on a daily basis when she ws in remission. Ziva’s garden and house is full of paintings.Mom would interpret every painting slowly and spend hours with Ziva. Ziva was so sad that mom would never do this again.
I remember the times in the nursing home when mom was getting chemotherapy.
Mom told me that “they put me in this place to die.”
I would lie to mom and tell her that she was going to be ok. When mom was on morphine she told me that there was a secret society. She also believed that she was in an elementary school and that my older sister Dafna, mom’s primary care taker, was actually the school principal. Later mom told me that her job in the Israeli army was to break codes. Mom was so afraid of death.
When mom really got sick, Tammy would even to bring mom to Ziva’s garden in a wheelchair on Sundays. I even remember that mom was vomiting and in severe pain. Mom never complained.
While in the nursing home, I don’t think she ever pressed the button to get the nurse when she was in pain from stomach cancer nausea from stomach cancer. Mom originally had breast cancer but it had spread to her stomach. Dafna and a doctor had save mom’s life and mom lived for 4 years in remission with chemotherapy. One day I asked mom how she was doing and she told me not to worry but the doctors had seen something on her PET scan. She said that it was probably nothing. The next time I saw her she was back in the hospital at UCLA.
When I would visit mom in the nursing I would have to ask her if she was in pain. She would always say yes. Her room was next to the nursing station but she never wanted to bother the nurse.
I believe that Ziva’s garden was Gan Eden. Mom was so excited to go to Ziva’s garden but I don’t think that mom knew that this was Gan Eden.
I also remember that Ziva would make special food for mom and I remember that every time Tammy mentionedZiva mom would get happier.
I had only met Ziva one time with Tammy and Dafna. I was suicidal when I met Ziva.
We never told mom that I was suicidal. I was so suicidal because I still loved my ex wife even though she was physically violent to me. She had kicked me in my knee so hard with high heel sharp boots and I had to have surgery. I still loved her so much. It broke my heart when I saw the picture of my ex and her new husband and child. This is when I developed my suicide plan.
When I came off the airplane from the Philippines mom told me that ex’s husband had died a few years ago from cancer. I never believed mom.How could such a young man like my ex’s husband die from cancer?
This is the biggest regret of my life. I thought mom was trying to make me feel like I still had a chance with Mary Ann. I felt so guilty that I had made a suicide plan and bought the drugs to kill myself online from India. I never got the drugs because I was afraid that the police would arrest me. I had even written a suicide note. I arrived in Los Angeles in November and from November until around June I was very suicidal. Every time I opened my eyes I would see my ex’s face with another man. In June I entered the OCD clinic at UCLA. Sarosh Motivala was my psychologist. As part of exposure therapy Sarosh asked me go to facebook and look at photos of my ex and her husband.
I was in therapy with Sarosh since November. Dr M asked me several times to look at my ex’s photo. I once walked over to Dr M ‘s computer but I backed out.In the OCD clinic I was around new friends and I felt the support of my new friends. Even until the last day of the clinic I had lied and told Dr M that I did not need to look at Mary Anne. The last day Dr M did research and told me that mom was right and that Mary Anne’s husband had died from cancer. He did research on the internet. Mom was still alive when I graduated from the OCD clinic. I was so sorry and I told mom how sad I was that I did not believe her.
That is when mom told me that she was aware of my suicidal feelings and that she had went to a therapist. The therapist suggested that mom would get the proof that my ex’s husband had passed away. Mom told the therapist that I would fall apart everytime anyone would mention my ex. I even refused to talk about her. Now I actually felt sorry for ex’s husband. I also felt so much anger at my ex for her cruelty emotionally and physically. On the other hand, I knew that she was a widow so I also felt sad for her.
I will always remember the day Tammy brought me and mom to see Ziva. I guess that Tammy thought she could make me happy by going to the garden. Tammy,Dafna,Talia ,Eliot,Darli and had all spent time with Ziva and her husband.
Yesterday was 30 days after mom died.Ziva said to me “ Danny, come and look at some painting. I saw the portrate of my mom and the most amazing painting. Then Ziva told me about the painting in mom’s living room which was concealed unless someone were to go towards the balcony. “This was mom’s favorite.”
My first reaction was that I loved the painting. I took a photo but I did not understand the ocean. Then I showed my girlfriend. She told me that this was the best painting. I told my girlfriend what I thought the picture was portraying and we spent about an hour.
The following is only my interpretation of the painting. Mom was very afraid to die.She is looking at death with fear . Mom was becoming very sick with cancer. Mom was very afraid to die. She was very worried about me and if I could make it on my own. She was always worried about Tammy and Dafna.
I believe that is why mom fought so hard to stay alive even until the food and water was stopped. The day before mom died I went into the room and I saw that her right eye would slowly open a little only when I entered the room. The nurse told me she had never seen a patient fight so hard.
Mom had always told me that she does not believe in God . I try to believe in God. When mom was on her deathbed I asked mom why she does not believe in God?
She told me one word “The Holocaust.” People had told mom when she was on morphine that she would see her mom and dad soon. She was so excited.
I remember one day when I was saying goodbye to mom for the night mom was in a wheelchair in the lobby of the nursing home. She had to go to sleep but she told me
“This is why it is so hard to say goodbye.” I never really undertood those words until mom died. I had my first dream of my mom where she was sitting on the couch in her condo with her red dress and no cancer. I said to my dad “mom is right there. Cant you guy’s see her.?”
The biggest lesson of my life is that suicide is not worth it. I remember everyone telling me that things will get better. I wanted to say fuck you to these people.
I was lucky and I had such a supportive family around me who did everything to keep me alive. Despite many doctors and supportive family, I was determined to take my life.
I even tried hanging myself. I could not do it because of the pain. Because of my time in Pharmacy School and my internet research I found an entire community of people who were trying to get hold of lethal drugs. They even helped me out. One time I chatted with a man . He asked me how old I was.He could not believe that I was in my 40s.
He asked me to go to a doctor. I told him that I tried. He asked me if I had cancer or a terminal illness. I said no. He got very upset and told me that suicide was not worth it. He was suffering from a condition where he could not breath and cancer.
I never believed that I could not be suicidal. For me, it was the OCD clinic at UCLA that changed my life. I had met a girl named Lauren. One day Lauren brought in a keyboard. I asked her if she sang? She said yes. I told her that I had written a song for my best friend Jason who had killed himself when we were 27. I met Jason at age 6.
I will never forget the emotional damage that Jason’s suicide caused. I have never really processed it until today. I remember I would have the same dream every night for 3 years. Jason would visit me in my dreams. We were riding bycylces and flying in the air. I would always say,
“ Jason , I thought you were dead?Everyone is telling me that you are dead!”
Jason would say “no, Danny I am still alive. You need to tell everyone.”The dream was so real to me. I remember how sad I was when I woke up the next day. I would have to wait until the night to talk to him again.
My hope is that my songs give hope to people. We are only alive for about. 80 years if we are lucky. This is addressed to those people who are suicidal
Even if you feel that suicide is the only way out, talk to some one. Call the 24 hour suicide hotline. Go to an AA meeting , even if you are not an alcoholic. Humans are social beings. You need to talk to someone. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t blame yourself.You are only human. Forgive yourself. Your family and friends do love you even if you think that they hate you.
You are not a cruel person. If you kill yourself, you will destroy your family and friends forever. This is what happened when Jason took his life.
Some people tell me that
“You are a child of God.” I always that this was complete bullshit.
After I survived my last suicide attempt, I realized that maybe there is a God.
How can we dream?Who created the human eye?
On the other hand, how can God allow children to be murdered. How about the all the genocides. The Holocaust, Slavery and murder in the United States. The Armenian genocide. 9/11. Isis? Police brutality.
How can god allow this?
Depending on the day and time my belief in God changes.
As human beings, we need to believe in ourselves. We need to take responsibility.
If there is a God, you need to use your freedom of choice to help yourself and others.
“The body is the car and the spirit is the driver.”In other words, we live on forever. Our spirits just travel from car to car but we will never die.
I want to thank the people who stood by me. You know who you are. I also want to thank Lauren Rhodes for helping me write the songs on My Best Friends Suicide and my dad for helping me. I am not going to ever forget about my family and friends and doctors who never gave up even. after I gave up
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