Friday, July 22, 2016

July 22,2016
Dear Jason,
How are you? How is the food up in Heaven? I decided to write this letter to you instead of mom.
Nightmares
1) Jumping across a 20 foot canyon.
I first succeeded was so scared at first. Then I jumped. I landed safely on the other side.
Then Tammy ( my younger sister) tried to also jump across. I was very nervous and afraid that Tammy would fall into the canyon. We were allowed to catch the person once they made it across. some people made it across
Only to fall backwards and die. Suddenly, I saw one of my friends Romen. We were camp counselors many years ago. He wanted to help.
I was resistant but I knew only one person was allowed to catch Tammy.
Romen was much taller than me.
I asked him to be the one to catch tammy. Tammy made it across. I was relieved.

Dream 2
Dear Mom,
I had the cutest dream in which my one year old cat max met me in a diner. I picked him up. He was talking. He told me that he loved me.
There was a elementary school teacher at the table. she told me that max had memorized a speech and that the
I love you was part of a script.
Then max turned into a 4 year old boy and I was in his preschool.
I love you mom. See u tomorrow.
Have you seen grandpa and grandma. You will be happy that my friend nick and my girlfriend angi are building a recording studio in my house.i have a new Mac and I am using a program called logic.
Lauren and I are finally recording the song that I wrote for you. Song of hope.Tammy and Darli are visiting Israeli think dad is with them saw dafna and Talia and Elliot and it was fun.we had a family lunch with tammy and darli.
Dear Jason,

I feel guilty that you passed away and I could not help you.i wanted you to get help with your bipolar.I wish you didn't choose suicide. God do I miss you.
I remember when you got sober for a few years.I will never forget how you taught me how to read.

Monday, July 18, 2016



July 17,2016
Hi Mom, 
I love you so much.How are u?Have you seen jason around?

Last night I had the coolest dream about you. It was the best dream I ever had.
Angi. and I were driving. Angi. I hope you are not reading this. Anti.is still in bed with her cat grip but my cat max is running around the room. Everytime max approached grip, griz. makes a loud his.
Max never seems to learn but Angi. and I trying to train Max.
Tammy told me and Angi that we would have lunch on Sunday at 530pm at Whiskey Red’s in Marina Del Rey.
When I arrived, Tammy was there with your Darli ( my niece). Dafna was there with her 2 kids. Talia ( 6yrs old) and Elliot ( 4yrs old). Our nurse Gail was there and you’re best Israeli friend Ziva was there.
I spoke with Ziva. She always tells me that you(mom) wanted me to start tutoring English and Biology again.
I told Ziva that me and Angi have one student.
“ Ziva, you are going to be so happy. Do you remember you told me to write  a letter to you everyday?”
“Yes Danny. Diva, I got this new mac pro. My friend builds macs for rock stars. My new mac has Protools and Logic programs. Me and Angi can record songs like a professional real studio.”
Tammy told me that she is going to Israel for a few weeks. I told Tammy not to go because it might be dangerous.
Talia and Elliot were 

So mom, last night you visited me 2 times
Dream 1
1) You called Angi and I. Angi was driving her Toyota SUV. She was driving fast on this curvy mountain road.
Anti always drives fast. So you called us and you said,
“ I am in a restaurant near Pico and Robertson. How long will it take for you and Angi to get here?”
“ I don’t know. We will be in LA area in about 15 minutes.”

 I knew that it would take more than 15 minutes but if I told this to Angi should might not take me.
Dream 2
2)In this dream, you(mom) were in the hospital. You seemed to be ok. Tammy(younger sister), Dafna( older sister), Gail ( nurse) and myself were in a hospital room( probably UCLA?)
. I think you were in a wheelchair.
You were given a diet from a previous doctor.  Tammy was talking about how the diet had too much sugar.
Dafna and I were a few feet away from you. A male doctor came in the room. Dafna. and I noticed him right away.
“ Tammy, the doctor is here.” Tammy was talking about mom but she was sitting far away from us.
The doctor said,  “ There seems to be a lot of sugar in you’re mom’s food.”

3) I am in high school. I was taking a test where I had to write an essay.It might have been University High School?
I actually  went to Uni. I kept writing my essay. It was a test. The teacher said to me
“ I think you’re done Danny. Why don’t you just turn your essay in?”
The essay didn’t seem complete. I had to go to the bathroom. I found a bathroom. 
It seemed like the smallest bathroom I have ever been in. It was so small that I decided not to go.
4) I was camping with Angi.  We were missing some food. There was a guy there also camping. I asked him if he liked my favorite band TOOL.He said yes. Then he said  “ Danny, please help me.” He had lost his cat. I helped him. 
I asked him if he had an email and he told me that it was his work email and that he could not give it out.

Sunday, July 17, 2016


mom and jason. lauren and I are doing some improv comedy. dont worry mom , i am sober. in the skits i sometimes play a none 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVs-c1iucc8&list=PLtuZWgOSZobcb3DLu944VDQzLipjZn4yg

dear mom and jason. 

last night i had kind of a nightmare. i will email you photos of my cat max and angi's dog decca. i am sure they have laptops in heaven.
So in this dream there was a cat trying to kill Dekka. I saw decca and he was on the ground not moving.  i screamed angi's name. angi came and decca was ok. max kept running away and i kept trying to catch him. max is about one year old and angi calls him a teenager.
The other part of the dream happened near mom's condo. Some realestate agent offered to help me see your ( mom' s condo). I am so sorry mom that we have to sell your condo. we need to pay the nurses back
I know that you wanted me to live there. please be happy that i live with angi and we have a recording studio. gail ( our nurse) told me about he conversation with you. you said that you had 2 wishes
1) that me and my sisters would become closer.
me, tammy and dafna are closer. i am also closer to dad.
tammy and darli are taking me and angi to dinner.
tonight. i also ran into my friend nick and the AA musicians meeting.

he built me a mac pro book. it has LOgic, an amazing program to record.

angi  is helping me write lyrics, and singing on key.i have sing don henley boys of summer in key.
i love you mom and jason. i hope i can see u tommorow.

Saturday, July 16, 2016


July 15,2016

Hi Jason,

How are you? I am sorry we have not been able to talk since around 1998. God , do I miss you.
Mom moved to heaven about 5 months ago.
         Last night I had a nightmare. I don’t know if you are aware that mom was fighting cancer.  I wish I could have saved her from the cancer. Mom was like an innocent lamb. The cancer slowly ate her alive.
         Last night I dreamed that mom was in an isolation room.  She was not in a hospital. Her isolation room was in a forest. I was visiting mom.
         A nurse told me, “ Danny, you’re mom was unconscious. She just woke up. She is dying of cancer. I know you are so sad but you need to be positive.  You will need to hide your sadness. Don’t look depressed in front of mom.”
         Tammy and Dafna were already in the room. Mom was talking.  It seemed that she was leaning forward.
         It seemed that mom was saying something to Tammy. I could not hear what mom said?
          I stepped in front of Tammy to see mom. That is all I remember.  This is the second time that mom has visited me. Jason, after you went to heaven, you used to visit me in my dreams almost every night for about 3 years.
We were riding bicycles and flying in the air. I said, “ Jason, what are you doing here? People are telling me that you passed away.”


         You said, “ Danny, tell the people that I am still alive.” In the morning I would wake up and I could not find you. Jason, please come back. We all want you back.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


Hi mom. I love you.how are you? Last night I had the strangest dream. Tammy, Dafna and I will were in the dream. There was a school bus full of kids.
Dafna was supposed to go with them. I went with the kids myself. We came to a classroom inside a temple.We sat down.Our family friend rafi was on a ladder. behind rafi I could see a view of israel. I saw an ocean surrounded by green trees. Rafi said that the united nations was not going to make israel a state.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

july 10
Hi mom
I am so sorry i havent been able to write you for so long.
god do i miss u.
i met our friend nick. he remembers you. he said you were so funny and so nice.
i am so  happy.  i am working with keith murray ( tammy's ex husband) the 90s rapper  and ras kass.
steve is rapping and i am writing the words.
we have a new producer who work with miguel.
i spoke to gail and she told me that before u went to heaven u told gail that u just wanted
me , tammy and dafna to get along.
you also wanted me to do music and be happy.
u didnt want me to be sad.
i am battling my depression. angi ( my gf) is really helping.
i hope u are making new friends in heaven and hanging out with grandpa and grandma.

love danny

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

.WARNING TO READERS. My letters are not grammatically correct. Some things will be hard to follow.
I love you guys.
July 4, 2016
1040 AM
Strange Dreams
Hi mom, how are u?I love you. Have you seen grandpa and grandma in Heaven?
Mom , I want to tell you about my weird dreams.
On the other hand, I don’t want you to have any nightmares in heaven?
I thought that nightmares didn’t happen in heaven? Mom , you can skip this entire section.
At the end of my letter, I am going to tell you the cool things in my life.

Dream 1 ( nightmare)
I was with Angi and we were walking next to a small lake( pool)  of fish. Some of the fish were huge like monsters. The monster fish were eating these smaller baby fish. I was very upset.
I was talking to Angi. Angi did not notice the lake. I wanted Angi to keep talking so that Angi would not find out about these baby  fish being eaten.
I was so mad. I wanted to jump in the pool and grab the baby fish. There was one fish who was about to get eaten by one of the monsters. This fish looked like it was going to maneuver its way out of being lunch. Things did not look so good.
Dream 1.5
I had fallen in love with a girl I had just met at school.  We we’re dating.
The only problem is that I had also fallen in love with another girl at the same school.
 I knew these girls would meet and kill each other or kill me.
Mom , you know that I have never cheated on any girl.
Dream two ( nightmare 2)
This was a combo dream. It was very weird. It seems like  every dream has the same theme.
Of course I was failing my classes. I was in high school again. I had tried to get to Honors English class with Mrs. Golding . I believe that Jason was already there. He was always smarter than me.
It was already too late. The class was almost over. I didn’t even know how to get to the room.
                I walked up to the high school. It wasn’t  University High School in West LA.
It was a very weird high school. I was looking for a counselor. I wanted to ask the counselor if he/she
Would allow me to repeat the entire year. I didn’t want to have any F grades on my transcript.
                I entered the high school. The auditorium was completely full. There was this very annoying female politician. She kept talking so fast that I couldn’t hear a word she was saying.
What was this lady doing in my high school.  I was going to enter the auditorium but there was no room.
Instead, I went outside.
                I was suddenly in the Philippines. I kept trying to catch a bus but I kept missing the bus.
Dream 3) I was in the US Navy again. I had not been kicked out for having ADD.
We we’re moving from house to house. I was looking for  a toilet.  The entire troop had these kids in it.
We were taking a break from searching houses. We went to a party. Lots of good food. Everyone was in this huge line. I asked some dude
“ Why is everyone in line. He pointed to the end of the line. There was a cliff ( diving board) where people were jumping into the ocean from a very high height. I was like
Fuck that. I am not jumping.
 This led to dream 4.
Dream 4) LA, CA 90034
                My friend Ron was having a bday party at 8 pm.
 It was 8 pm. I had met Ron many  years ago at CVS pharmacy in Pacific Palisades. I had been fired from this job after about 3 months. This was a very stressful job.
So many angry customers. Ron was always telling me about his time in the army when he was sent to the Middle East. His job was to kill the enemy. He told me that he was part of a classified secret CIA division. I didn’t know if he was bullshiting me about the CIA.
  His mom had invited me. They were Filipino. In other words, I did not want to miss out on some good pork. Dad, if you are reading this, I don’t usually eat pork.  I couldn’t find you( mom) or  or .
I wanted to be with a family. Ron’s mom was so nice. I called Ron and he told me that this was a special party. I asked Ron “ Where is your party? Is it past downtown? Do I take the 10 east and go to the left in downtown?”
                “ Yes Danny, but once you get to downtown, you can call me. I paid this company to meet my friends in downtown and drive them to my house.”
                “ Ron, I am going to be late.”
Mom , Angi has way better dreams.
I left the fan on all night and Angi thought she was at the airport.
She told me about a dream where  she had to pee but the only toiled was in the middle of a football field with an NFL game going on.

1)      I really am happy to be going to more AA meetings. My new friend lives close by.
We went to a great men’s stag meeting. I made new friends. When I arrived, I felt so out of place. All these macho guys with their tattoos.  I wanted to go home.
Then I met this one guy with tattoos who is a singer and a plumber.
He was so cool. We shared and people said they were so sorry for me.
The guy with the tattoos told me that his sister just died from a heart attack at age 51.
2)      I get to do my music with Willis and Angi.


I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I AM SIGNING OFF. ANGI AND I ARE GOING TO VISIT OUR CLASSMATE FROM UC SANTA CRUZ. Emi lives close by. We are going to cook food for the homeless.

Love Danny,  and
July 3, 2016
Hi mom. How are you? I know that what you are about to read is going to be impossible to follow.  I am trying to write this letter before my girlfriend Angi wakes upAs soon as Angi wakes up, I am going to have to give her 100% of my time
          If I don’t give her 100%, she is going to kill me.
Yesterday I wrote the following.  I carry around my Blackberry every time I have  to go shopping with Angi. The Blackberry is where I write to you. It also has all my song lyrics. I try and back it up every day.
July 2
I went to the Culver City library today . Remember ,  it’s  across the street from our condo. They were remodeling for a year and they just opened
 Do you remember Brian from the library? He is that kid who works at the counter.  I told him that you were in heaven. Brian told me that you used to go to the library every day. Brian told me that he used to give you rides. I was so happy to talk to Brian.
I asked him if he misses you. He says that everyone misses you. The Japanese guy who works at the library told me he misses you.  Our neighbors keep stopping me ( like Kelly).
They say, “ Danny!”
                I always feel happy at first.  After explaining  about your cancer, I  try to run away. I don’t want to have to be reminded that you are not in LA.
Mom , you are going to be so happy. I have been sober since April 2015.
                 I had almost 20 years sober. Then after my divorce I tried to kill myself with drugs and alcohol.
Mom , I should have listened to you. You told me that my ex was a single mom with a kid. I wish I would have believed you. It took me a year to find out that you were telling the truth.
I thought that you were telling me a white lie so that I would not feel suicidal. I remember how I argued with you. I should have believed you. Remember when you told me that you had a heart attack. You told me that you were sorry that my ex had broken my heart. I just wish I wasn’t suicidal from Sept to April.
I should have never done that shit to you! God do I regret it.
                I was so suicidal about my ex. I was going to kill myself over a girl.
                 My family and friends kept telling me that life will get better. Keep taking your Prozac! It’s going to work. I would tell them that they don’t understand. Fuck you guys. Suicide is the only way out.
                TODAY , I thank GOD. I am not a born again Christian . I have a degree in Biology and years of  Pharmacy School.  How can there be a God after the Holocaust?
. Mom would always tell me about the Holocaust . She said that  she did not   believe in GOD. By the way, not every Muslim is part of Isis.
Give the American Muslims a fuckin break.My best friend at  Pharmacy was Neda, a Muslim girl.
                 
DON’T TRY SUICIDE( mom ,please skip this section)
Because of GOD, I never got the drugs to kill myself. By the way, if you go on the internet, you will find suicide friends who will help you get  euthanasia drugs if you are suicidal. “ Suicide Trips to Mexico, Brazil, Peru.” Fuck those people.
                 People would tell me that suicide was selfish. I would say fuck you. I have to live with the emotional pain. It is only because of God that I never got the drugs.
                If you kill yourself, you are going to kill your family and friends. You are not a cruel person.
Don’t do this shit. Unless you are terminally ill or in untreatable unbearable pain, don’t kill yourself.
Don’t hurt your family.
 When my best friend Jason killed himself in 1997, it has destroyed my life.
I keep trying to keep Jason and mom alive in my songs. It seems that everyone wants to forget Jason’s name because he killed himself.  PEOPLE need to remember how Jason was my best friend.

                I know he was bipolar. If you are not bipolar, you will not understand how much pain depression is. Give the mentally ill a fuckin’ break. We don’t want to kill ourselves. We just want to end the suffering.
I AM TELLING YOU THAT LIFE CAN BE SO AMAZING. Pick up a guitar and start singing John Lennon songs.
Life is so fuckin  short. Feed the homeless. We might even have to arm the homeless.
MOM
 I was devastated when I found out that my ex had remarried. I was suicidal. I had to come home from the Philippines. I was going to retire in the Philippines.
                Remember , I dropped out of nursing school. I told you that I had to go back to the Philippines and find a nice Filipina wife who was not crazy.  You told me not to go. I told you that I had to go.
My family was trying to stop me from going. I had to sneak out of the country. Mom , I couldn’t live without you. You only have one mom. Everything else is bullshit. Women might leave you if you lose your money. Mom will always love you.
                 When I came home you told me that you thought  you would never see me again.
AA
I go to AA meetings every Friday. They have a great musicians meeting. I am finally playing with sober musicians.  I get to write R & B songs with Willis. Willis, Lauren, Angi and I are finishing the songs I wrote for you and Jason. God, Willis can really sing. He sounds like Seal.   He comes over twice a week.
People at the meeting are so nice.Then I get to write metal Soundgarden  type  songs with Scott.


MOM , LET’S GO BACK TO JULY2  IN THE MORNING
I am shopping at the Dollar Tree with my girl friend Angi.
She hates when I use my Blackberry. I told her that I was writing a letter to you.
She said she did not know  that I was writing to you.   “She would not have gotten mad at me if I would have told her that I was writing to you.”
  I will try to write you every day. Remember that you got to meet Angi when we went to UC Santa Cruz way back in 1992 ? Now I feel like a Dinosaur.
You always said you liked Angi.  Dad said she liked her.
We are going to therapy  together. Therapy sucks. I get to hear Angi complain. I love Angi so much.
I have a therapist named Nadia. By the way,  I hope that Angi never reads my letters to you. Angi  keeps telling our therapist Nadia about how I am so   “messy.”
 She complains  that she has to be my maid. She calls herself the soccer mom. She says I am her baby. She wants me to be a man. I am a  fuckin man!!Let me listen to Tool and Rage Against the Machine.
                Angi   has issues. I met her after being separated since around 2006.    I was in the lobby and I saw a pretty girl.
She looked familiar. I said, “ Are you Angi?” She said yes. We were so happy  to see each other.
She told me that her boyfriend was just diagnosed with colon cancer. He was an attorney.
We talked everyday on the phone for months.  This was when you were at UCLA Hospital. You’re breast cancer had come back.  I was so upset and sad to see you suffer. I always had arguments about your medical care.
 Kids are the only nice people. I keep telling my nieces and nephews   and  not to grow up. Growing up sucks. I don’t think they understand me.

Mom ,I know that Heaven must be a way better place than Los Angeles. I still want you back.
Every night I tell Angi how much I miss you. Mom, remember that you told me that I will only have one mom. You told me that you loved your mom so much. You kept saying that every day you wished Grandma would come back.
                 I should have listened to you. I should never have dated only crazy women. You always told  me to get rid of every girlfriend I ever had. You did say that you liked Angi.

WATCH OUT FOR JEWISH GIRLS
You always wanted me to find a nice Jewish girl. I always told you that I didn’t have enough money.
Remember my ex - girlfriend Tracy? She was Jewish. She had a million credit cards. Her dad was an attorney.   We met at summer camp. We we’re camp counselors. Tracy warned me that she had dumped all of her boyfriends in one month. She said that she waited three months for me. Then she broke my heart.
Remember that you called her evil when she moved into our apt in Santa Monica. You said that she never looked you in the eye. She had a plan to break my heart.
You said that there are so many pretty Israeli girls
ZIVA'S PAINTING
Whenever I see Ziva, I feel like you are here with me. She told me to write these letters to you every day. She painted the painting for you. I finally have the painting in my closet. My band is using it for the album cover.

ASSHOLE COLLEGE PROFESSORS
You know that I always felt like a failure after I failed out of Pharmacy School. I did not fail out.  One of the professors was out to get me. I am not being paranoid. This is for real.
 I am not going to mention any names. You know who you are. I don’t hate all the professors. I just hate the professors who were assholes.  Give the kids a fuckin break.
Look at how many college students kill themselves.  Help the fuckin ‘ kids.  You professors fuckin suck. You know it’s true what they say.
“Those that can’t get a real job teach. There are exceptions.  The rest of the assholes need to be human. Stop complaining that you could have been  a MD. Now you are  a babysitter.
I just passed the CSET to teach biology in CA. Then I talked to teachers  from Uni High School.
They told me that they are now police officers.
                Anyone who reads this is going to notice that I jump around. I am also going to offend everyone.
I love you guys so don’t hate on me. I just want the world to be a better place.
This life is one illusion( OR NIGHTMARE)
We are all going to wake up back in kindergarten one day. We’re all going to be in diapers again.

 I just have so much to say and life is so fuckin short.  I want to say this to anyone who has cancer. There is hope if you get screening. If you don’t get screening than you are screwed.  Terminal cancer can be the most painful death.

Mom knows this. Mom , please skip the next section.
 I had to watch mom die the most painful fuckin death.  Mom was in so much pain and nausea. Mom  stayed alive because she was so worried about , , me , , . Mom never fuckin’ complained. She never wanted to bother the nurses.
I just want to thank the one MD who found out that you had the wrong diagnosis. She saved your life for 5 extra years. I finally got to meet this MD a few weeks before you went to heaven.
She was from the Philippines. She met  at the hospital.   was crying when you first got sick. You wanted a Hebrew Jewish Old Testament.  went to the hospital library and asked a woman how to find a Hebrew bible. The women helped mom find the bible.  cried to the woman.
It turned out that this woman was an oncologist. She was already assigned to you.
The other MDs diagnosed you with lymphoma. She told the asshole MDs that you had breast cancer. I just got to meet this MD and I thanked her for the 5 years she gave you.
I will never forget your favorite MD who gave you the wrong diagnosis and wrong drugs .
He gave you the wrong toxic chemo and you ended up almost dying on dialysis.
The asshole MD was going to let you die. He did not want to get sued.
He sent your samples to . The pathologist told this asshole MD that you ( mom) had the wrong diagnosis. The fuckin MD was so afraid of being sued. He was going to kill you.
He accidently left your chart in the eating area. The other MD accidently read your chart and told  that the MD had the wrong diagnosis.   and you switched MDs. You guys never sued the stupid MD. You even switched over to the MD in the same office.
Mom , you loved everyone. You forgave everyone. I would have killed this MD if I ever met him.
All the nurses loved  you (mom )at the nursing home. They even came to visit you when you were in Hospice. The MDs loved mom.  Some of the MDs were complete liars and assholes. I don’t blame them.  I blame Medicare for kicking mom out of UCLA so many fuckin times.
                Mom , please skip this section.
Anyways, I  had to watch the cancer eat mom alive. Cancer killed mom like a lion kills a zebra.
That shit fuckin sucks. The cancer ate mom alive.  I don’t believe in any religion.  I have so many Christian friends so you guys need to skip this.
                  Mom was dying a few days before the assisted suicide laws in CA were passed.
If someone is dying  from  untreatable pain, let them decide when it is time. God would have wanted it that way.
Stop fighting the assisted suicide laws. Also, let people who are gay get fuckin married.
Stop hating the gay. Gay people make the world work. We need gay people to make the world a better place.
We need the gay nurses. Who’s going to lift up the heavy patients.
   We need the gay  in the  entertainment business. We need Freddy Mercury and Rob Halford. It sucks that Freddy had to die from HIV. Freddy, you were the best fuckin singer and best human being. I know that you had to die from HIV. You left so many real songs for us .
“Don’t try Suicide.”The list goes on forever.  Gay people are fuckin human beings.
And stop giving women smaller salaries than men.
You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom unless you are a single mom. I watched mom raise us with food stamps. I watched people tell me that mom was a fuckin parasite. Fuck you! Mom did everything for everyone. She lived a life of fuckin misery. The only thing she had was her kids.
                I know I am going to swear a lot but give me a fuckin’ break . “ Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead”( John Lennon). Speak your mind because you don’t have much time.

                Mom , you  can read this .   Angi keeps complaining that I am so proud of being crazy. Angi says that I am beyond eccentric. Eccentric is an understatement. She says that I am very “ unique.” She says that I am so nice but so crazy. She says to stop making friends from Didi Hirsch mental health.  She even says that she is crazy. She says that she is a “nut from the nut bowl.”
Angi  says that  most of my friends are crazy. I am starting to meet “ normal” people. She is talking about my friend Willis, the best singer ever.
Willis, Angi and I are writing this kick ass album for you. God can Willis sing.
I wrote the original words.  When Willis came over to our Apt. , Willis had to write all the melodies. As a result, Angi had to help us rewrite the lyrics. Angi reads Shakespeare and all the classics. When she was a kid, it took her 2 hours to read a 300 page novel.
 By the way, Angi is not evil. Before I got back together with Angi, I always sang off key.
I have always thought  that I am tone deaf. Angi says I have a great voice . I just need to practice.
She makes me sing Don Henley, the “Boys of Summer,” everyday. I have to sing it 3 times. Before I do that I have to do scales.
Angi loves to watch Japanese animation.  I also piss Angi off when I play bass and guitar while she is watching tv.  I don’t even plug in my bass. She has the best ear. She has perfect pitch and she can sing Steve Perry Journey songs almost as good as  Steve Perry.
BOYS OF SUMMER
 I used to love that song.  I just want to sing other songs. We have added some Tool songs. I can’t believe that she gets upset when she hears my favorite singers. Neil Young doesn’t have to sing on key. Neil, please keep singing off key just to piss Angi off. Because I  love Angi, I need to listen to Seal and Annie Lennox just to make Angi happy.  Now I actually love Seal.
We still listen to all the 80’s new wave which we both love. Duran Duran, New Order, Depeche Mode. The one thing we both love is Peter Gabriel. I played early Genesis like the
“Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.” I accidently left old Genesis on you tube and I left home. Angi was trying to fall asleep to "Watcher of the Skies."
When I came back Angi told me that she was never going to listen to old Genesis again.
                I keep telling Angi that I want to hear metal. I want to hear Layne Staley and Kurt Cobain.
Angi says that I only like singers that have killed themselves.
  I still think that Courtney killed Kurt.
By the way, if Courtney is reading this, I still love you. “Live Through This,” is a great album.
I know that you were a heroin addict when you had Kurt killed.  I was convinced it was a suicide until I did my research. Watch “Kurt and Courtney.”
                Now back to mom. I love you mom. Remember your Israeli  friend Ziva? After you went to Heaven, she has been pulling me aside.  She tells me to start tutoring again. She told me to write you a letter every day.

 Her husband is sick with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s. I wanted to visit her garden with Angi but Ziva says that she needs to watch her husband.   We even prayed for Ziva at the Temple. I asked  “Why, Is Ziva sick?”
         My sister    replied “NO.”
                I told  that I didn’t want  Ziva to die because I needed to practice my Hebrew.
MOM, I need to eat breakfast. I see that Angi is going to wake up. I will write you tomorrow. Dear Mom,                                                                                                                                 
July 1,2016
I am so sorry  to write you this letter. The good news is that last night you were in my dream.
This is the second time I saw you.
1)The first dream that took place about  a week after you went to heaven. You were sitting on   your couch in our old condo.  You had the red dress . You looked healthy.
Dad was sitting  on the couch to the left.
I said , “ hey mom!”
You did not reply. I turned to dad. “ Hey dad, mom is right there. Can’t you see her?”
Dad did not reply. When I asked others about this dream, they said that mom was coming back to tell me that she was ok. She does not want me to worry about her.
                Last night you appeared in a dream. I was praying so hard to see you again. It’s been more than 90 days since we met in a dream.
 I had asked everyone for you to come back to me. I prayed so hard to God. After the holocaust, I had lost faith that there was even a God. I had asked you my entire life if you believed in God. You always said no and talked about the Holocaust.
                Unfortunately , last night was a nightmare. We were in a hospital room at UCLA . You were unconscious. Dad was there. Even though dad  is an amazing medical doctor , he could not keep you alive. Gail ( our nurse) was also trying to keep you alive. Gail and dad left the room to leave me with you. You did not say a word.
You were in so much physical pain. You were so quiet. I was seemed to be waiting for your last breath.
When I woke up from this nightmare ,  I told my girlfriend but she had to go to a doctor’s appointment. Before this nightmare, my dog Dekka woke me up around 4 am. I had to walk him. The nightmare must have happened after I walked the dog.
I don’t know why I had this nightmare? Maybe I was stressed out?
                IF ANYONE CAN EMAIL ME BACK AT
BROOKDANNY2000@GMAIL.COM
I would be so happy if you can give me feedback. Why did I have this nightmare?
In addition , I had the usual nightmare. I was failing all my classes at University High School. There was no way I could pass. I was going to be a high school dropout.  I have this nightmare almost every night.
On the other hand , I graduated from the University of California in Biology with a 3.1 science GPA. I was a pre-med. I ended up going to  Pharmacy School .I never graduated from .  I also had spent time in nursing  school . God was that a nightmare. Being a nurse seems like it would be a nightmare for me. Thank God for nurses, I love you guys.
I also had gone to Israel around 1995 . Dad wanted me to go to medical school. I became suicidal and I went home. I also was missing my mom and two sisters and dad.
Failing out of  Pharmacy school  was a  real tragedy. The worst tragedy was my best friend Jason’s suicide. Jason died when we were 27 which were during my second year.  Jason was bipolar. I am writing a book about  Jason. I wrote the song , “ My Best Friend’s Suicide” and the “Jason”  song for Jason.  I love you Jason.  Thank you for visiting every night in my dreams. We were flying in the air on and riding bicycles.
                 I always asked you  “ Jason, I thought you were dead? People are telling me you died.”
You always replied,: “ I am alive. I never died. Go and tell the people that I am alive.”
                 Now it’s 2016 and I haven’ t seen you for so long. You did stop by every once in  a while.
Please come back and visit with mom. Mom loved you so much.
I tried to commit suicide in 1998 in graduate school because I was failing. 
Mom , I am so sorry that you had to watch my suicide.  I cannot forgive myself. I feel like my mental illness caused your death. People keep telling me that it was not my fault. I had no control.
                                Even though people tell me this, I wish I could go back in time. I would have done everything different. I would have followed my heart. I would have written so many songs for you.
I would have played guitar for you.
                Mom, I want you to know that I have an amazing girlfriend named Angi.
ANGI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I KNOW HOW SHY YOU ARE.IF YOU ARE READING THIS THAN I AM SO SORRY.
ANGI  went to UC Santa Cruz with me. We had not seen each other for years. We met again while you were sick.
Angi makes me so happy. We have our usual arguments. On the other hand, we love each other.
Angi is a painter. Angi reads classic books live Shakespeare. Angi’s mom was an architect. She built the most amazing home in Santa Monica. Every time Angi mentions her mom , Angi cries.
                Angi is also the most amazing song writer, lyricist and singer. Even though I hate my voice, .Angi is teaching me every day to sing on key. God is it hard. I always say, “ Angi, I play guitar, I am not a singer. I hate my voice.” Angi says that she loves my voice even though most of the time I am monotone or out of key. She makes me practice singing Cure songs every day. We also do a lot of the Eagles, Pink Floyd and Zeppelin.
                Mom, I am finally writing songs every day. I have my own home studio. I can’t figure out how to use it. On the other hand, my friends come over all the time and Angi helps me record.
                We have 2 cats. Max ( the baby one year old male ) was my cat. We now live with Angi’s cat( Griz , the 15 year old female.) We also have the most amazing. dog Dekka. He is  greyhound cross with Borzoi, or Russian Wolfhound. At first, I was jealous that Angi loved Dekka more than me.
            Now I am in love with Dekka. He is ten years old so I must walk him a million times a day. Every time I take Dekka for a walk, it seems like at least one person will stop me and ask me about Dekka. “He is so beautiful! What type of mix is he.”
             I can never pronounce   Borzoi. Now when we walk, it feels like we are hunting on some adventure. Mom , I remember how  much you loved dogs and cats.
            Mom, please be happy. I also get to see  and  almost every week at the temple. Everyone misses you. I see  and dad sometimes. I talk to dad almost every day.
We have our usual arguments but I love dad.
Now back to the other part of my dream  last night . I was walking with my friend Chris Hundemer from UC Santa Cruz. I think there had been an earthquake  in Los Angeles. We were walking on the bridge next to your condo. Below the bridge was the LA river in Culver City. The bridge was broken in the middle.
I said to Chris, “ The bridge is broken. I don’t want to follow you.”
Chris : “ Just follow me . The bridge is not broken.”
I said , “ No way!” Chris kept walking. I never saw him again.
This is G signing out. Again, I want to remind everyone that if you feel suicidal, call a hotline or call a friend. Things will get better. Listen to John Lennon. Email me.

“ Don’t try suicide. You’re just going to hate it” (Freddy Mercury)


i hope this painting helps those who are suicidal

Moms friend Ziva Reuben made this painting of   mom.
I want this on the cover of the book for many reasons

Ziva did not tell me what the painting  is about but this painting was mom’s favorite and it is in mom’s living room now.  Ziva was one of mom’s closest friends. One day ,  mom,and I went to Ziva’s garden. Mom was still in remission. I remember how happy mom was and she was wearing her red dress.
I just remember meeting Ziva for the first time and seeing how much  and mom loved Ziva. After mom had passed, we were in Shiva. The Rabbi from my niece's Bat Mitzvah was done praying and he asked us to sit down in a circle in mom’s living room. We were asked to say something that they remembered about mom.
 I don’t remember what Ziva said at that time but later I told Ziva about how much pain I was in.  This is when Ziva told her heart was also broken.Ziva told me  that mom would come to the garden on a daily basis when she was in remission. Ziva’s garden and house  is full of paintings.Mom would interpret every painting slowly and spend hours with Ziva. Ziva was so sad that mom would never do this again.

I remember the times in the nursing home when mom was getting chemotherapy.
Mom told me that “they  put  me in this place to  die.”
 I would lie to mom and tell her that she was going to be ok. When mom was on morphine she told me that there was a secret society. She also believed that she was in an elementary school and that my   , mom’s primary care taker, was actually the school principal. Later mom told me that her job in the Israeli army was to break codes.  Mom  was so afraid of death.
            When mom really got sick,   would even to   bring mom to Ziva’s garden in a wheelchair on Sundays. I even remember that mom was vomiting and in severe pain. Mom never complained.
While in the nursing home, I don’t think she ever pressed the button to get the nurse when she was in pain from stomach cancer nausea from stomach cancer. Mom originally had breast cancer but it had spread to her stomach.  and a doctor had save mom’s life and mom lived for 4 years in remission with chemotherapy. One day I asked mom how she was doing and she told me not to worry but the doctors had seen something on her PET scan. She said that it was probably nothing. The next time I saw her she was back in the hospital at UCLA.

When I would visit mom in the nursing  I would have to ask her if she was in pain. She would always say yes. Her room was next to the nursing station but she never wanted to bother the nurse.

 I believe that Ziva’s garden was Gan Eden.  Mom was so excited to go to Ziva’s garden but I don’t think that mom knew that this was Gan Eden.
 I also remember that Ziva would make special food for mom and I remember that every time  mentioned Ziva mom would get happier.
          I had only met Ziva  one time with mom  and my sister . I was suicidal when I met Ziva.
We never told mom that I was suicidal. I was so suicidal because I still loved my ex wife  even though she was crazy. I still loved her so much. It broke my heart when I saw the picture of my ex and her new husband and child. This is when I developed my suicide plan.
When I came off the airplane from the Philippines mom told me that ex’s husband had died a few years ago from cancer. I never believed mom.How could such a young man like my ex’s husband die from cancer?
 This is the biggest regret of my life. I thought mom was trying to make me feel like I still had a chance with my ex.  I felt so guilty that I had made a  suicide plan. I planned to get  the drugs to kill myself  online from India. I never got the drugs
 I had even written a suicide note. I arrived in Los Angeles in November and  from November until around June I was very suicidal. Every time I opened my eyes I would see my ex’s  face with another man. In June I entered the OCD clinic at UCLA. Sarosh Motivala was my psychologist. As part of exposure therapy Sarosh asked me go to facebook and look at photos of   my ex and her husband.
I was in therapy with Sarosh since November. Dr M asked me several times to look at my ex’s  photo. I once walked over to Dr M ‘s computer but I backed out.In the OCD clinic I was around new friends and I felt the support of my new friends. Even until the last day of the clinic I had lied and told Dr M that I did not need to look at  my ex. The last day Dr M did research and told me that mom was  right and that ex’s husband had died from cancer. He did research on the internet. Mom was still alive when I graduated from the OCD clinic. I was so sorry and I told mom how sad I was that I did not believe her.
That is when mom told me that she was aware of my suicidal feelings and that she had went to a therapist. The therapist suggested that mom would get the proof that my ex’s husband had passed away. Mom told the therapist that I would fall apart every time anyone would mention my ex. I even refused to talk about her. Now I actually felt sorry for my ex’s husband.  I also felt so much anger at my ex for her cruelty. On the other hand, I knew that she was a widow so I also felt sad for her.



 I will always remember the day my sister   brought me and mom to see Ziva. I guess that  thought she could make me happy by going to the garden. My family  had all spent time with Ziva and her husband.
 Yesterday was 30 days after mom died.Ziva said to me “ Danny, come and look at some painting. I saw the portrait of my mom and the most amazing painting. Then Ziva told me about the painting in mom’s living room which was concealed unless someone were to go towards the balcony. “This was mom’s favorite.”
My first reaction was that I loved the painting. I took a photo but I did not understand the ocean. Then I showed my girlfriend. She told me that this was the best painting. I told my girlfriend what I thought the picture was portraying and we spent about an hour.
The following is only my interpretation of the painting. Mom was very afraid to die.She is looking at death with fear . Mom was becoming very sick with cancer. Mom was very afraid to die. She was  very  worried about me and if I could make it on my own.   She was always worried about  and .
            I believe that is why mom fought so hard to stay alive even until the food and water was stopped. The day before mom died I went into the room and I saw that her right eye would slowly open a little only when I entered the room. The nurse told me she had never seen a patient fight so hard.
            Mom had always told me that she does not believe in  God  . I try to believe in God. When mom was on her deathbed I asked mom why she does not believe in God?
She told me one word “The Holocaust.” People had told mom when she was on morphine that she would see her mom and dad soon. She was so excited.
            I remember one day when I was saying goodbye to mom for the night mom was in a wheelchair in the lobby of the nursing home. She had to go to sleep but she told me
“This is why it is so hard to say goodbye.”  I never really understood those words until mom died. I had my first dream of my mom where she was sitting on the couch in her condo with her red dress and no cancer. I said to my dad  “mom is right there. Can't you guy’s see her.?”
            The biggest lesson of my life is that suicide is not worth it. I remember everyone telling me that things will get better. I wanted to say fuck you to these people.
I was lucky and I had such a supportive family around me who did everything to keep me alive. Despite many doctors and supportive family, I was determined to take my life.
I even tried hanging myself. I could not do it because of the pain. Because of my time in Pharmacy School and my internet research I found an entire community of people who were trying to get hold of lethal drugs. They even helped me out. One time I chatted with a man . He asked me how old I was. He could  not believe that I was in my 40s.
He asked me to go to a doctor. I told him that I tried. He asked me if I had  cancer or a terminal illness. I said no. He got very upset and told me that suicide was not worth it. He was suffering from a condition where he could not breath and cancer.
            I never believed that I could not be suicidal. For me, it was the OCD clinic at UCLA that changed my life.  I had met a girl named Lauren. One day Lauren brought in a keyboard. I asked her if she sang? She said yes. I told her that I had written a song for my best friend Jason who had killed himself when we were 27. I met Jason at age 6.
I will never forget the emotional damage that Jason’s suicide caused. I have never really processed it until today. I remember I would have  the same dream every night for 3 years. Jason would visit me in my dreams. We were riding bicycles and flying in the air. I would always say,
“ Jason , I thought you were dead?Everyone is telling me that you are dead!”
Jason would say “no, Danny I am still alive. You need to tell everyone.”The dream was so real to me. I remember how sad I was when I woke up the next day. I would have to wait until the night to talk to him again.

            My hope is that my songs give hope to people. We are only alive for about. 80 years if we are lucky. This is addressed to those people who are suicidal
Even if you feel that suicide is the only way out, talk to someone. Call the 24 hour suicide hotline. Go to an AA meeting , even if you are not an alcoholic. Humans are social beings. You need to talk to someone. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t blame yourself.You are only human. Forgive yourself. Your family and friends do love  you even if you think that they hate you.
You are not a cruel person. If you kill yourself, you will destroy your family and friends forever. This is what happened when Jason took his life.

            Some people tell me that
 “You are a child of God.” I always that this was complete bullshit.
After I survived my last suicide attempt, I realized that  maybe there is  a God.
How can we dream?Who created the human eye?
            On the other hand, how can God allow children to be murdered. How about the all the genocides. The Holocaust, Slavery and murder in the United States. The Armenian genocide. 9/11. Isis? Police brutality.
How can god allow this?
            Depending on the day and time my belief in God changes.
As human beings, we need to believe in ourselves. We need to take responsibility.
If there is a God, you need to use your freedom of choice to help yourself and others.
“The  body is the car and the spirit is the driver.”In other words, we live on forever. Our spirits just travel from car to car but we will never die.
             I want to thank the people who stood by me. You know who you are. I also want to thank Lauren Rhodes for helping me write  the songs on My Best Friends  Suicide and my dad for helping me. I am not going to ever forget about my family  and friends  and doctors who never gave up even. after I gave up.